All this feels strange and untrue

Sorry, just listening to Snow Patrol. There's a line in one of their songs that this entry title comes from.

It's crazy to think that I've been stateside for over a month now. WIthin the job hunting, socializing, and general re-adjusting, is a mixed bag of feelings. As I refelct on my time in England, I have come to realize how much I was challenged in so many ways (spiritual, mental, emotional, physical) and all within a culturally different context.

It's very weird because in my first months of transition to England, I felt like a square peg trying to fit in a round hole. Now that I'm stateside again, I feel the same thing is true as I try and pick up with life again.

It's funny because I find that I miss the people I met in England very much like I missed my stateside friends over the 15 months I was away. I guess it's not too surprising when I think about it, that's probably the way connections come and go. Only this time I didn't really think I would be back in the states to live so soon.

I had hopes of staying in England for a while (a lot longer than 15 months). When I left in 2006 it seemed like a very good place to leave life here. I was done with the internship, I was done with VBI training, and it seemed the world was waiting for me. I had hopes that working abroad would be rewarding with growth challenges along the way. I thought I was prepared for the challenges, and when I returned in December for my Visa in '06, even then part of me wanted to stay here because Oak Park seemed so comfortable and safe. But more of me was curious to find what was going to happen in England. It seemed like a great chapter was about to unfold, and the only way to read it was to go and expereince it.

I know there will be a day when I look back at the England experience and thank God so much for it. But where I stand right now, I look at it as a very tough year, and if I had to do it over again, I would probably choose not to go. Does that mean I don't apprciate the time I had there with friends and the church? No. The people are what made it so speacial, and I hope to stay connected with them somehow for the rest of my life.

I guess what made it so hard for me is that I am a relational person. I like having friends, and within my group of friends I usually have two or three people that I can really count on, and who I can really open up to about what's really going on. And the reason I can do that is because I feel they understand me and what makes me tick, so to speak (and vice versa).

The major challenge of my year was that it seemed that the people I grew close to in that deeper way didn't stick around for very long. As the year went on, I found it harder and harder to REALLY confide in people, the way I was used to in the states. I began to feel very alone by the time Summer came to an end, and feeling alone and trying to lead people is something I can't do very well. I don't have any complaints against people in England, it's just the way things happened and in the end it seemed to make sense that I should return home. Maybe I didn't want to really confide in anyone because as I said, it seemed people I grew close to didn't stick around.

But now I'm stateside again (it's not really "home" becuase I don't know where home really is at the moment) and rebuilding life is hard going some days. I guess I presume that others don't really understand what my time in England was like, because I'm not sure I fully understand what it all was for. Somehow God has a plan with it, and I really want to see that unfold.

In the meantime, I'm taking time off my "pastoral" role, and I'm looking for work that isn't really in any leadership position. I may have a part time admin post with my church, and on top of that I'm looking for other work too. Long term I hope to get back out into the pastoral scene later this year. But for now, I'm focusing on readjusting and reconnecting with people here.

"ALL things work together for the good of those who love God"

Till next time,
~Paul