Catching up...or trying to

So a LOT has happened since my last post. And I wish I had actually posted as it was happening, but alas, life has gotten away from me once again...

Christmas time is at hand, and what can I say?? I am still totally amazed at God. It was about a year ago that I took that last flight home from England. I was so sad a quite a wreck.

But now after a year of re-learning some my values (God, friendship, trust, community and ministry) I can honestly say that I am excited about life, and the future that lies before me.

Back in May I attended a youth retreat with the 10 and 11 year olds from our church. The retreat was a blast, but more than that, little did i know that one of the other leaders would become such a joy in my life.

Since May, she has become a friend, a wonderful partner in youth ministry on Tuesday nights, and a joy beyond description in my life. She has laughed with me, challenged me to grow, and encouraged me, and I have come to do the same for her.

I can't tell you how awesome it is, learning to communicate with someone. Honesty and speaking what's on my mind has been something i thought I was used to. But this is a whole new level.

Not only have I come into a volunteer leadership role with my church, I am now walking in a whole new level of relationship and dare I say it-at a place that I have never walked before. And God has had His hand all over this. When I first met her, i wasn't romantically attracted. I knew her brother kind of well, and over the years I knew her parents in a peripheral sense at church, but I never really got to know her until this year, and for the summer and all the times we spent with working on the video announcements at church and hanging out with mutual friends, i was never attracted at a romantic level.

But then something changed. God stepped in and spoke. And as He spoke, I felt that the curtain on our friendship had been pulled back to reveal what was in the making behind the scenes. I saw how she felt, and what God was asking me to consider. And in that moment, I was speechless. I spent the entire summer around her, feeling 100% comfortable in my own skin, and every time we spent around each other, I had a real laugh. That was part of the healing for me...just to have a friend who I was not romantically interested in and felt the freedom to laugh around and be ME was huge.

In other news, we had an awesome junior high retreat near the end of November. We had about 12 young people come along to a camp in Wisconsin (about 2 hours away from Chicago) and we had a really good time of meeting with God and building relationships. I am very excited at what God is going to do in the second half of the year. We have a really wonderful group of young people, and they have not only so much potential for leadership tomorrow, they are setting examples for the rest of us today.

In short, I am re-discovering a passion for God and His plans for my life. At the end of December i will be ending my role as part time office assistant at Vineyard Oak Park. I have a few leads on jobs, but I really want God to open the next step. We'll see where that is. Please keep praying for me :-)

Till next time,
~Paul

Summer heat, Engram, and good times...

Can I just start by saying how cool God is? Since last summer, I've really become a fan of Psalm 139. I love the New Living Translation:

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

and skip on down to verse 23...

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

I read this, and I can't help but think that God knows me better than I know myself. That translates into that God knows exactly what I need to get through any issue facing me. This revelation has been a HUGE comfort to me at times over the last 8 months since my return from England.

This summer has gone really well overall. When I sit and think about the different place I was at this same time last year, I'm totally amazed.

I've been blown away by God's goodness. when my old cell phone was falling apart, God opened a door for me to get a new one. I've been mobile with a car, I have wonderful housemates, and cool place to call home. I've had no major worries this year, and the restoration work by God in my life leaves me speechless at times.

This past week I took part in Engram, our yearly youth project here at our church. One of the major ways that God used me was at the Friday night session. I was asked to join a team of people who would share words of knowledge with the youth. I asked God what he wanted me to pray for and one word came to mind: suicide. It brought tears to my eyes to think of what it must be like at 15 or 16 and really feel that the best option is ending it all. I felt that last year, and that's a point I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Between Friday night and Saturday I prayed for 3 different people over that issue. Hearing their stories and the hurts that led them to feel that way about themselves was staggering, and yet in the midst of it I was amazed that God used me to bring some hope and healing to His children.

During the week of Engram, I almost r an myself ragged between giving oversight to the outreaches and being trained in the office to cover key areas while one of my co-workers is away to Mozambique for 3 months. The upshot though is that I'm now a full time employee of Vineyard Oak Park! Haha, it's better than being an intern!

I can't believe that summer is almost over! Starting in September, I'll be leading the Jr. hi program at church! I'm really excited to be doing this. I've really enjoyed the small roles I've played in various youth projects since I've been back (Toronto, Engram, Vacation Bible School) but coming in to the new role as a leader really excites me overall (haha, it is YOUTH MINISTRY after all, so there are SURE to be some tough challenges ahead!).

Anyway, I think that's enough of a rambling update for now.
Till next time!
~Paul

The journey continues...

So a bit ago I posted on "A Crisis of faith, and the journey toward redemption" and shared about the experience of England.

Now it seems, I see a little more of why I'm back in the states.

Part of me has come to realize that I miss England, and knowing what I know now I would have stayed. But God knew then (as He knows now) that I did the best with what I had to work with. And maybe in that, God intended for me to be back now. Here's what's happened:

At my church here in Oak Park, our senior pastor has resigned. Before you get all wild and crazy with shock, it's nothing "bad" this time around. But it is still sad.

Over the last 12 years Dave and Anita Frederick have led the Oak Park Vineyard. They helped shape the church from two churches that were merging, to the current size of about 400 or so. Over the years they have seen many people come to Christ, get healed, get married and have children. They have poured so much love and encouragement into the lives of the people who currently attend and those who passed through on their journey of faith.

The Fredericks have also had their low times with cancer, other health issues, a death in the family, and moving a few times from here to there and back again as well as tending to the pastoral duties required of them. In short, they have not had much room to breathe.

The other sobering aspect is that often the pastor who helps grow a church finds that he or she has a differnt skill set than what is needed to carry the church past a certain point. I think we all know that nothing lasts forever this side of heaven, but that doesn't make trasition phases any easier. The Fredericks have recognized these issues with an amazing ammount of humility and grace. I can vouch for them, and say with certainty that they have put the needs of the church above their own even to the last day. They are my heroes, to say the least.

I have been very honored to know the Fredericks over the years that I have been around at Vineyard Oak Park. I have seen all three of their children in the youth group, and the kids have taken on a faith of their own that is encouraging, warm and amazing in the face of the "usual" happenings of pastor's kids.

I've known about the resignation for a few weeks now, and it's been a tough reminder of the reality of ministry. Sometimes you know things before other people, and due to various circumstances or other details you have to keep under wraps. Ministry is wonderful at times when people get healed, or experience a major life change by the love of God. But there are other times where ministry has to be handeled much like a corperation or organization. It's the side to church life that no one really enjoys cause it can smell at times of "organized religion" but at the same time it is crucial to running a church.

So last Thursday the news broke to the wider church that the Sr. Pastor's are resigning. The news was met with several questions, and overall the meeting went very well. While my first reaction to the news when I first heard it was to not even want to hear it and be emotionally shut off (cause it brought back a flood of undealt with emotion from England) I have come to see this as a hard thing, but a good thing.

This time I had forwarning. I had the assurance that this time around, I am not alone. I have people I can talk to, and the best part of all is that the story has hope behind it. Sure the Fredericks are stepping down, but there is hope that after a year of re-working through their strengths and weaknesses, they could be leading another church that needs to benefit from what they have to offer.

All this got me thinking: For has hard as it was to watch the Bognor Vineyard go through the hurts of a leader who made a bad call, there are also times when leaders can do everything RIGHT and still have to transition on to something else. It's not easy, but it does have tons of hope behind it.

Is this why God brought me back here? To see that yes, ministry is hard, but not all leaders step out due to sin or some other flaw...

I don't know what all God has in store for the Fredericks, or me. But I am priveleged to see the view from the inside out. For now the next step for us as a church is to take a few months to grieve the loss. So many people have been touched by the lives of the Frederick family, and it's not going to be a smooth transition. However, it is comforting for me to know we are giving plenty of space to the grief process before we make any decisions on what's next. I'll keep you posted.

Till next time,
~Paul

New Mexico Adventures

So last week I was away for a few days to see some friends down in New Mexico (I know, you might be thinking "why New Mexico? isn't it more like New Mexican't??" and you would be right, but I'll explain....)

So a buddy of mine, Tim got asked to go play for a youth worship conference by another friend, Ray. Ray is a good guy who we've known for a few years. Ray and his wife left Oak Park Vineyard a few years ago and moved to N.M. Ray is now the volunteer youth leader for his church in Taos, N.M. Two years ago Ray brought some of his young people up here to attend our summer youth conference, Engram (see previous posts).

So Tim got asked to go lead worship, but how did I fall into the plan?

Good question. I knew you readers were smart :-)

I was kind of whining a few months back about how I really wanted to get away. Tim had talked about going to Mexico in the past, and I thought that sounded cool. But as usual, money was tight and it looked like Mexico wasn't going to happen. Then Tim mentioned that he and Ray had talked, and they thought it would be cool for me to tag along. Hee hee, I got the better end of that deal I think. For Tim, it was more work with planning and prepping a talk for the conference. I got to go have my vacation :-)

Well, as plans unfolded Tim got asked to speak for 45 minutes the opening night. I was impressed to say the least when Tim came and asked me to help him prep his talk on "What does Worship mean?" and even more humbled when Tim asked me to help wrap up the talk and pray at the end. Here's a bit more detail after we landed on Wed. June 4th:

Wed. eve we went to Taos to check out the youth group and talk a bit about what the next few days would look like. It was great to see familiar faces as well as new ones. It seemed they were all really excited to have Tim and I there as guests.

Wed. eve we went back to Ray and Brandy's place and got settled. Their dogs (Sydney and Jasper) were really wild to have guests. Their house is about a 20 minute drive out from Taos, and really close to the mountains. Wed. it was like in the 80's when we got there, and Thursday morning when we woke up there was 2 inches of snow on the ground! I tried to get pictures with my camera, but the batteries died on me :-( so I was slightly sad that I had all these great ideas for pictures, but no way to take them.

Thursday we had Brandy's car. We drove to Ray's work and posed as two delivery guys with a box for Ray that we needed him to sign for. It was funny when Ray came out to see us. The whole place laughed when Ray said he knew us and started taking us around to meet his co-workers. Ray gave us a map and some really good ideas of places we could go to see (the day was still fairly cloudy and cool, so we weren't really motivated to do much sight seeing). We did drive into Taos and had a bit of a walk around. The place is kinda boring with loads of art galleries that look a lot alike. We saw a few galleries and I was like "didn't we see this same art in that last place??"

Thursday night was the start of the worship conference. Tim and I opened with a bit of worship, followed by teaching by Tim and wrapped up by me with a time of prayer and then more worship led by us (I played hand percussion, which went OK, but I really wanted a drum set!). After the session we went out for ice cream with the youth, and had a great time just chilling. We then watched a movie at Ray and Brandy's before bed.

Friday Tim and I hiked around the Gorge that's just outside of Taos, and then we went to meet up with Ray. The Pastor was talking to Ray at the church when we got there to meet Ray, and James (the sr. pastor) offered us jobs if we wanted to move to taos. Without laughing too hard at the idea, we told james we would "pray" about it, lol. I think he knew we probably wouldn't but he made sure we knew the offer was always open. We left the church and went to Brandy's work to drop off her car. I went in first and pretended I was there for a meeting with her for insurance quotes. The lady who greeted me bought it until Tim and Ray walked in. I had a whole prank worked out, but I didn't get to play it. Probably a good thing.

Friday night was more worship with a message on worship by Ray. It went well and after the session we got to pray for a few people, including the Sr. pastor's wife who had a back injury due to a car accident a few weeks ago. She didn't seem to get healed, but she was open to prayer which was cool.

After the session we went back to Ray and Brandy's with a few of the young people. Ray and I had to go back to the church to get something for one of the youth. While we were there a homeless guy came up and started talking to me and Ray. We got to help him a bit with items to make his night a bit more comfy and we even got to pray for him. We really wanted to see him at church on Sunday, but I guess he lived out in the far reaches of town, so maybe he didn't get a ride back.

We hung out for a bit with a few of the youth and some stand up comedy that one of the guys had on his computer, and finally kicked them out at like 1am.

Saturday some of the youth went over to a local park (in Taos) with instruments and we hung out, sang a few songs and played a few games. One of the guys brought his family dog (it actually was a HUGE animal, and when I first saw it I said "who brought the polar bear!??")

After that we had a pretty free day so we went and took a bit of a nap at the house. We were invited over to the Sr. pastor's house for dinner with their family, which went well. Sunday was church which Tim and I led with one of the youth. After church there was a "family meal" kind of like a church pot-luck, and then we had to head out to our flight. We said our goodbyes, and I could tell that some of the youth and adults we pretty bummed out to see us go. I knew we had a good weekend there and that God really used us to get them thinking ourside the box on what it means to worship God in everything.

Our flight home was a bit crazy due to weather in Chicago (almost 8 hours on a plane that normally takes about 3!!) but we got home and as I look back at the weekend, I'm really thankful that God used us to bless people and help build the church.

End of entry part 1

Weekend fun, new adventures and the night sky

I love summer weather. I love the sun, the warmth and the reminder that new life is always in the air.

I was away this past weekend on a 4th and 5th grade retreat (as a guest speaker/ leader). We had about 11 or so kids going, and it was AWESOME. We went to the Lake Geneva Youth Center, and had a full weekend of activities.

Friday night, just after we arrived I spoke on Ps. 31.7 and shared that it's ok to have feelings. It's ok to feel sad at times, and that in everything we're feeling we need to be able to trust God. I was a bit bold and said that God won't ALWAYS take away our sad feelings, but He is always there to be with us in whatever we're feeling and to comfort us. I felt really good about it. It was interactive and the kids participated really well.

On Saturday we had a great time. After our morning meeting we went to the zipline (about 20 or 30 feet off the ground) and had an amazing time. Let me just say, in my mind every one of those kids are amazingly bold. When I was that age, I was so scared of roller coasters, or anything off the ground with speed. I actually conquered my fear of coasters at age 14. for these kids that's another 4 or 5 years away. So for them to take the risk of climbing a long ladder, standing on a TINY platform in the wind, and then jump off and trust the line to carry them to the end was so cool.

After that we went over to the gym and played a bit of dodge ball while some of the other kids went down to the water and played around in the canoes. We then went to the Giant Scream Swing. The Giant Scream Swing is a large swing(as you may have guessed) that's about 70 feet off the ground. The swing is raised by wench, and it carries 3 people, and once you get to the top, you have to pull this cord that releases the swing.

I went with two of the guys, and the first two times we had minor issues with the release hook, so it actually DIDN'T release! They finally got a new part in, and took us back up a 3rd time and WHOOOOOOOSH!!! away we went. It was AWESOME, and every kid there was so brave to ride that thing. I was really shocked by the lesson in faith that was there. It took a lot of faith to get on the zipline and swing and trust that everything was going to hold up and that the rope we were given was going to carry us through to the end. What a major lesson in faith! In England I had to trust that as thin as the "rope" felt at times, it was enough to get me through. And I will always be grateful for those friends that I had who stuck with me, even when I didn't know how to talk about how I was feeling. They were there to support me in what ways they could, and that is no small thing. Sometimes, we just need people who are willing to sit with us and not say a word (like Job's three friends when they first came and sat with him).

last night Dan was the other guest speaker and he did SO GOOD! We had a time of soaking (which is just getting comfortable and focusing on what God wants to say to you with some God-focused music on in the background). I think most of the kids were challenged and impacted by that as well. I know I for one loved it!

Overall, I was really pleased with the weekend, and God totally showed up and rocked my world with a new passion and fire for getting back into ministry.

To further challenge me, I am going away this Wednesday to New Mexico (just like Old Mexico, only a lot less fun!) for a youth conference. I'll be going with a buddy of mine from church and we'll be staying with a friend of ours who is a youth leader of a church in a small town called Taos. I can't wait to be out with the stars at night.

I used to love going out to see the night sky when I was in England. There was even one night where I saw a meteor shower. Something about the vast expanse of the sky at night fills me with wonder and awe. I find a lot of comfort in the wonder of the creativeness of God in nature. I love the mountains, the sky at night, and wandering through the forest. I love riding horses, going swimming and generally enjoying the outdoors (away from the big city). But I also love the social times of city life. This is where my friends are and my roots. I wonder if I will ever be able to re-plant somewhere else?

There are moments like this weekend, where I feel that life is such a beautiful thing, and it's a sharp contrast to where I was 6 months ago. I don't want to live in my comfort zones, but I also don't want to be pushed to those limits ever again. Is there some way to live between these "life is beautiful" moments and the "I'm done with life!!" moments? I hope so...

Anyway, My parents are coming to see me in a week and a half, so this next month is sure to be a good one. We'll see when I post again :-)

~till next time
Paul

A crisis of faith and a journey toward redemption

So for a while I have been thinking how to share this. I guess a "precursor" to the rest of this entry is that some words, thoughts and descriptions won't REALLY convey the whole situation. For a while I think that's why I did not want to share this here, because the thought was that in the retelling, I'll feel that most (if not all) won't REALLY get the depth of the situation. I could go on ranting about the frustrations I have with the disconnection that can come with sharing deeply personal trials, but for now I'll conclude the intro.

So, in reading the previous posts, you have some sense of my personality and some of the issues that I faced while away in England. But the story has more to it than a simple "it was challenging" answer.

Last year (2007) around mid May, our assistant pastor came forward and confessed to an affair. This hit a lot of us hard. This wasn't expected at all when I started my year, and while there were challenges, 2007 was looking like a promising year overall. What hit me was that I felt a strong connection with him and his family. His wife had migrated to the UK from South Africa and I felt that out of anyone at church they understood how hard the re-planting process could be.

In short, when that happened I lost my main roads of social support. I value my social life, and the people around me to a degree that maybe some might not understand, but being in a country where no one knows me, or how I grew up, or my family history or ANYTHING about me, I began to feel very alone.

As the summer unfolded, I was trying to keep up in ministry while feeling it was hard to really recharge or talk about the building emotional pain. By July, I had spiritually run myself into the ground. I was serving because I thought "that's what a pastor does, you just keep going because it's what people expect". I was doing things FOR God, and totally missing the relationship that God was wanting to have with me.

I eventually got a bad cold during the last big event of summer, and felt terrible that I was present but unable to really serve in the capacity that I had committed to. All this going, going, going and not taking time to REALLY sort out my heart really began to weigh on me. Burnout hit probably in August sometime, but I ignored the signs (the growing anger and frustration, the fatigue in my spirit and emotions). Eventually in all my "serving" my faith and resolve to survive was slowly dissolving.

I hit "bottom" sometime in October. I was serving at our weekly Alpha course, and as each week went by, I was growing more and more restless in my soul. I was really angry because people were sharing how good God had been to them, and how much He loves people, and yet my experience was telling me something else. Finally one night I came home after Alpha to an empty house, and I had it out with God...

I thought "God, you know all things, and nothing is hidden from you. So you had to have known when you called me here that this year would play out like this." I was angry. Livid in fact, at the thought that God had filled me with such hope, enthusiasm and expectation at my arrival in 2006, and here it was a little more than a year later and hope and faith were all but gone. What kind of God allows that to happen??? God is love??? Give me a break. He's misleading, he's withholding information and distant when I need him the most. Those were my thoughts, and in that lonely moment there were two sad options before me. Either stay in England, find some other job that I won't be passionate about and hope to somehow stick out the toughness of the situation and keep fighting, or return to Oak Park. The idea of return seemed a bit more appealing, but it also felt like I was abandoning the fight, and even though I felt so ragged and worn and forgotten in the midst of all the pain that people were feeling around me, I wanted to stay and fulfill my commitment.

As I was lying there in bed that night, I was lost, lonely, and depressed. I felt defeated even. I told God "If I don't belong in Bognor or Oak Park, then take me from this damn rock of a planet now!" I awoke the next morning, and found that God didn't strike me down. The next few weeks I contemplated how I might make my own exit from life.

Somehow, I made it through and returned to Oak Park sad and empty. I still had lonely days after my return and even now I am still unsure of the future (but the Zoloft is helping, I think). But the one thing I do know is that my heart is still in ministry. I still want to see the King and Kingdom come and move on earth as it is in heaven. Does God love me? Absolutely. Is God good in all He does? YES (the Bible says so, and if I'm in this, I can't just abandon the promises of God). Does that automatically mean that He will keep me from experiencing the consequences of others actions? ...not really.

God has an interesting way of restoring. In the midst of the wrestling and working out my faith after almost losing it, God has shown me signs that He's still beckoning me on to that relationship.

This past Sunday at church I was up front for prayer. I noticed a woman who looked in pain who was asking our Senior pastor for prayer. I watched them for a bit, and I could tell she must have had some accident with her right ribs (cause she was holding them during prayer). I thought to go over and join in the prayer, but then I thought "naw, the pastor has this one. If he comes and asks me to go pray, then I'll take it as a sign from God and go." Well, it was only a matter of time :-) Sure enough, I was asked to go pray, and probably the most amazing miracle happened.

You have to understand, this woman took a fall in the shower this past week and landed her ribs on the edge of the tub. The look of pain on her face before prayer told me that she had at the very least, bruised the ribs (if not fracturing them). She couldn't even laugh without wincing in pain. After prayer, she said she felt that something had moved in her ribs, and she was laughing, smiling and moving with normal function! Tell me God doesn't care! :-)

So, this all presents an interesting issue for me. I'll tell you now, most (if not all) my current issues with God are probably selfish. I don't want to see another church crisis or be alone like last year ever again. But I also have to reconcile these issues with who God is showing Himself to be in my life and in the lives of those around me. I tell you, this isn't easy, but I also understand that all these experiences have to be for some good if I am to get "back in the saddle" of ministry.

I also have to reconcile my feelings with the reality of ministry. I won't always "feel" up to the challenges. The experience of burnout and the related issues may not be the last time I experience that (and that doesn't sit well with me). But is that not a reality I have to live with? I can't (nor would I like to) go and just bury my head in the sand and just pretend that everything is all peachy for the rest of my life. But sooner or later, I have to reconcile these issues, ya know?

At least though, for the moment, Hope is returning, and faith is being restored. Everything isn't all going to be worked out in a day or overnight, and I'm not done with sorting these things out, but I guess I felt the need to be honest and just lay it all out there. At least for now, I am starting to see that I don't need to walk this alone, and the lessons of England will continue to unfold as life goes on :-)

Till next time,

~Paul

11 days shy...

So I'm turning 28 in a little over a week. It's interesting, really. Do I FEEL 28? no...not yet. Heh heh, it's a little too close to 30 for me. Not that 30 is really BAD..it's just...older. 30 sounds like a person has wisdom and something solid to life. I don't know, I guess this entry is going to be a bit of a ramble.

I mean, after 25 why keep track? 16 you can learn to drive, 18 you can vote, 21 you can drink alcohol (lol, legally!) and 25 your insurance goes down. But between 25 and retirement, it just seems...anti-climatic.

I guess 28 isn't so bad. Maybe this year I'll actually go skydiving :-) I always take stock of my life around my birthday and I ask myself if I'm at least OK with where I'm at. The last few years it's been a yes. This year is...a bit of uncertainty. I was out earlier to walk my cousins dog (I'm back temporarily in the neighborhood where I grew up) and I was walking along the old route my family used to walk our dogs on. My how things have changed in the years since. Sure, there are the obvious changes, like houses looking slightly different, and the area that's under construction around the hospital. But as I was walking along and looking at all these things, part of me felt a twinge of sadness. The inward changes are pretty staggering too. I wonder if the changes in me are as noticeable as the physical changes to the neighborhood?

It's interesting to look at the changes of even the last year. A year ago I spent my birthday on the English seafront with friends listening to the seagulls and waves, having good conversation (and I thought that was where I was going to be this year). Funny how things change. Last year I wanted to be with American friends for my birthday...this year I miss England.

I was talking with someone recently about some of the reasons why this transition has hurt so much. He said that it's a blow to my identity, in that some people DO something for work. They clock in and they clock out and they can remove themselves from the work. The hard part about being "pastoral" or in "ministry" is that part of your identity is wrapped up in what you do. And if that work comes under stress or other hard experience, then it hits deeper. I thought "so true".

I guess birthdays are a time for reflection, but they are also a time to look ahead. I never thought I would have had the kind of experiences I've had by this time in my life. I've seen the beauty of the Canadian Rockies, I've been to the bottom of the Grand Canyon, I've grown up in Chicago, I've lived in England, I've seen the nightlights of Tokyo, and the extreme conditions of poverty in Haiti. I literally have friends around the world, and I know what it is to feel like the most forgotten person on the face of this rock of a planet. And for all that experience and the highs and lows of my life, if I died tomorrow I would probably be one of the most grateful souls to enter heaven. I look forward to many more adventures on the road ahead, and I'm thankful for all of you who have shared the journey with me (in spite of my current state of sarcasm and teasing).

Till next time,
~Paul

All this feels strange and untrue

Sorry, just listening to Snow Patrol. There's a line in one of their songs that this entry title comes from.

It's crazy to think that I've been stateside for over a month now. WIthin the job hunting, socializing, and general re-adjusting, is a mixed bag of feelings. As I refelct on my time in England, I have come to realize how much I was challenged in so many ways (spiritual, mental, emotional, physical) and all within a culturally different context.

It's very weird because in my first months of transition to England, I felt like a square peg trying to fit in a round hole. Now that I'm stateside again, I feel the same thing is true as I try and pick up with life again.

It's funny because I find that I miss the people I met in England very much like I missed my stateside friends over the 15 months I was away. I guess it's not too surprising when I think about it, that's probably the way connections come and go. Only this time I didn't really think I would be back in the states to live so soon.

I had hopes of staying in England for a while (a lot longer than 15 months). When I left in 2006 it seemed like a very good place to leave life here. I was done with the internship, I was done with VBI training, and it seemed the world was waiting for me. I had hopes that working abroad would be rewarding with growth challenges along the way. I thought I was prepared for the challenges, and when I returned in December for my Visa in '06, even then part of me wanted to stay here because Oak Park seemed so comfortable and safe. But more of me was curious to find what was going to happen in England. It seemed like a great chapter was about to unfold, and the only way to read it was to go and expereince it.

I know there will be a day when I look back at the England experience and thank God so much for it. But where I stand right now, I look at it as a very tough year, and if I had to do it over again, I would probably choose not to go. Does that mean I don't apprciate the time I had there with friends and the church? No. The people are what made it so speacial, and I hope to stay connected with them somehow for the rest of my life.

I guess what made it so hard for me is that I am a relational person. I like having friends, and within my group of friends I usually have two or three people that I can really count on, and who I can really open up to about what's really going on. And the reason I can do that is because I feel they understand me and what makes me tick, so to speak (and vice versa).

The major challenge of my year was that it seemed that the people I grew close to in that deeper way didn't stick around for very long. As the year went on, I found it harder and harder to REALLY confide in people, the way I was used to in the states. I began to feel very alone by the time Summer came to an end, and feeling alone and trying to lead people is something I can't do very well. I don't have any complaints against people in England, it's just the way things happened and in the end it seemed to make sense that I should return home. Maybe I didn't want to really confide in anyone because as I said, it seemed people I grew close to didn't stick around.

But now I'm stateside again (it's not really "home" becuase I don't know where home really is at the moment) and rebuilding life is hard going some days. I guess I presume that others don't really understand what my time in England was like, because I'm not sure I fully understand what it all was for. Somehow God has a plan with it, and I really want to see that unfold.

In the meantime, I'm taking time off my "pastoral" role, and I'm looking for work that isn't really in any leadership position. I may have a part time admin post with my church, and on top of that I'm looking for other work too. Long term I hope to get back out into the pastoral scene later this year. But for now, I'm focusing on readjusting and reconnecting with people here.

"ALL things work together for the good of those who love God"

Till next time,
~Paul