These moments that are fleeting...

So early this week I had this revelation: i am a finite being. i'm not going to last forever in this body. Now, this may seem obvious to you my readers. You may be saying "of course, we all are made that way." But this was a different level of revelation. This skin that covers me, this heart that beats with life inside my chest, and all the billions of thoughts that whirl through my head are not going to last forever,and one day this body will give out and I will breath my last and go on to eternity.

Since 2004 when I felt the tug of "pastoral" ministry on my heart, I knew that a day would come like no other. A day when I would have the honor and the privilege of standing in a hospital room near the bedside of a hurting or possibly dying human. I knew that it wasn't just a possibility, I knew in my heart that one day I would be asked to go pray and encourage the sick and dying. I had thought it would be an encouraging event...I looked at the "positive" sides of what it would be like.

When I arrived at the church office to check in with them about what I need to do while they are away to a conference, I heard that another Vineyard in the area had contacted us to see if we could send someone to Loyola hospital to pray and encourage a man who was sick and possibly on his way out.

This week, our pastoral staff and our office staff are away, so the email went out to our intercessors to see if anyone could go and be a kingdom ambassador for this man.

The situation was this: a 24 year old male, with a 6 month old boy, and a fiancee was in the intensive care unit with a bacterial infection on his aorta, and it had reached a life threatening level. The doctors aren't sure if he's going to make it.

And as I read that email, I felt a slight tug on my spirit to go. Suddenly that day that I thought would come was here...funny how moments that play out so well in our minds can be so different when they actually come about.

I was thankful to not go alone. An old friend of my family who attends my church here in Oak Park called to say he heard about the situation and he wanted to join. So with that, we drove over to Loyola to play our part in a intervention of God's goodness.

As we drove, the sobering thoughts of the situation settled in. We prayed that God would go before us, and guide our prayers. The thought began to dawn on me that we can't do this in ourselves. While I had thought that when this day came, that I would be able to give some encouraging pep talk, or some "christian-ese" language to help brighten the situation, the reality was that as I began to think about it and what I might say to his fiancee or his parents, the words seemed inadequate as they rolled through my mind.

Walking through the halls of the hospital was even more sobering. I had never been to Loyola before today, and I was very surprised at how clean it is, and how well managed it seems to be. We found our way up to the intensive care unit, and met the young man, lying alone in his room, watching the television.

At 24 years old, he was probably one of the most pale (if not the most pale) person I have ever seen. I couldn't help but think that this guy shouldn't be here. Of all the places for a guy his age to be, this was not anywhere close.

As we prayed, we asked for God's goodness and his healing. I knew in that moment that a miracle was possible, but it wasn't going to come from me. We needed God in that room. And as we prayed, I believe this man had an encounter with God. I had the impression of the word "freedom" as we were praying, and afterwards the sick man shared that it was drug use that landed him there, potentially at death's door.

He began to tear up when he shared how he had realized that the next time he uses drugs may literally be his last, and he doesn't want to miss out on the life of his son and his fiancee. I told him that I got the word "freedom" and that I wanted to pray for that. We prayed again before the nurse came in to run some tests. We left him with a contact card in case he wanted us to come pray for him again, and said farewell.

Walking back out to the car, I couldn't help to think about what that must be like for him, and the impact it must be having on his whole family. Life is finite, indeed, and while this young man knew it was his choices that landed him there, I also know that no one knows when their time will come. Life is full of fleeting moments, and all we can do is take advantage of the time we do have and be thankful for it. I for one am thankful and honored that I could have some small role in bringing God into this sad situation for another human being.

Till next time,
~Paul

Major tranisitons...

So this past Autumn, life got interesting. After jumping into the relationship with Erin, I found myself re-thinking about what it means to be in a relationship, and more importantly all the things that God is calling me out on.

The whole story of how Erin and I started dating can be summed up in this: I wasn't romantically attracted, but then God happened. And when God happens, it's hard to ignore...

While there was no burning bush, parting of the sea, or any other physical trace of God moving, I was sure that God was on the move. I think more often than not, God is moving behind the scenes, and we only notice it's Him because it's that thing, that *IMPOSSIBLE* thing, that suddenly IS possible, and it's staring us right in the face.

If you had told me back in July, that I would be dating Erin, I would have had a lot to say about it, and not even a hint of what I would say would give any trace that I thought it was possible. In fact, by late August, I was done with dating. I didn't want to think about it. I actually loathed the thought of going through the motions of having to "prove" myself to another girl. I thought for the longest time that I would have to prove something to "her" (either with money, or feelings, or my intellect for example). But then God happened. All summer long, a relationship was developing, and I had no idea until that day in early October that God had been working all along behind the scenes.

And then six weeks in to dating, I realized that I really get along with Erin. For lack of a better word we have fun. What I mean by that is that in every level of conversation we have, I see life blooming. Even in some of our moments of disagreements, there has been that feeling of life blooming. That to me is fun. The thought of spending the rest of my life with her is fun. I want our future to be enjoyable, and with God in the mix, I believe it will truly be an adventure.

So that realization brought on another transition: why not probe the idea of spending the rest of our lives together? As we talked it over, we came to see that we're probably as ready as we're going to be to get married. It's exciting to me because we aren't in our early 20's with the questions looming large of what we want to do with the rest of our lives, or wrestling with college debt, or considering how we're going to live out the rest of our days. We both feel that marriage is a journey that we want to embark on together, and that leaves me totally amazed. God has truly done a marvelous work behind the scenes and I for one, am very thrilled to watch it start to unfold here and now.

I recently came to the end of my (paid) role at church. I knew all along it would be temporary, and while there is part of me that looks out to the road ahead with some uncertainty, I believe that God still has a plan. Waiting with baited breath for the next stage to unfold isn't fun. The stress is disheartening at times, to be totally honest. But then there are moments where I realize that I am not alone. God has put wonderful friends around me who are praying for me, and I am confident that God knows what he's doing, even when I struggle to understand, or keep my faith.

Hopefully the next day or two will tell what I need to be doing to prepare for the next part of this journey. I wonder what I'll say in 6 months when I look back at this entry?

Till next time,
~Paul