Life is grand

It really is. After this past weekend of mud, paint ball and go-karts, I was feeling pretty shattered (english word for worn out, or super freakin tired like you never knew tired before). paintball and go-karts were my fav. Y'know, living in England is an amazing experience. New people, new location, new challenges. it's great when I'm actually enjoying this. Being out with the young people for lunch, playing games of pool or crazy golf (mini golf for you fellow yanks) and even going to the odd movie with friends is great. Recently I've been challenged to step even further out of my comfot zones, and start helping out with Fuel, our tuesday afternoon kids club for ages 6-9 (roughly). In the last month I've been involved with age groups from as young as 6 to 21 year old uni students. that's just one of the small steps I never really thought I'd be taking. But what if it wasn't all peachy? What if under the surface, something wasn't right. What if I told you that if I had known a year ago what it all would entail to be here, I would have said "no"? What about those days when it's stressful, I didn't get enough sleep, I miss my friends and my family back home, I'm barely making ends meet, I have not really left Bognor Regis (for extended holiday/vacation) in over six months, and underneath it all this really frustrating feeling that it's not good etiquette to tell people back home how draining it is to be in ministry! Sometimes it's hard here because I can't find people to really relate to my situation. I can't find the words to describe my challenges, fears, and the weight of responsibillity. Some days I feel I'm starting to crack... This past weekend at the motorsports day, one of the guys there was talking about how God gives life to the full. That we don't need to worry, we can give our cares and stress to God, because He cares and wants to deal with them. That's easier said than done. What about those times when life is more challenging than you feel prepared for, and you know that as passionately as you've been praying, things won't turn around over night? What then? There has to be something more. Nobody said being a Christian was easy, and I'm sure that as of right now, some of you reading this might want to jump in and say something positive, encouraging, or uplifiting. My intention isn't to aks for sympathy. Our lives can seem so much easier to someone else, and if they would just see it from our perspective, they wouldn't feel so bad....yet the challenges we face are unique to each of us.So then, what is my intention? I just want to get this off my chest. I can't do this alone. See if you can relate with any of the following I've been feeling recently: I'm too young for this, I'm not experienced enough, No matter how hard I try to stay on top of what needs to be done, there is always something more, I'm too stupid, I'm too weak, it's really hard trusting in God, No one understands me, I wanna quit and go home, If God gives life to the full, why do I feel like my life is anything but fulfilling? I miss home, and yet I know that when I see everyone again life won't be the same...The list could go on and on. Maybe this isn't new. Maybe I've always been a bit like this. I know I have a history of wearing my heart on my sleeve, so some of you might not be surprised to be reading this. So then, why stay? why endure it?Because of hope. Over the past two years or so, I've had words or impressions either in personal prayer times or where others have been praying for me that I would go through a challenging experience. More of a challenge than I expected, but that in the end God would make it more rewarding than I expected. So it's the hope that in spite of the hardship, there has to be something that God is doing in the midst of it all. Maybe even a bit ironic that while I have some areas of life that I have a hard time trusting God with, I'm still not giving up hope that He hasn't forgotten me. I knew a very good friend who once said "You have to be tenacious in pursuing God. You can't let anything of yourself get in the way of meeting with Him, and you need to do whatever it takes to keep pursuing Him". Thanks Ian :-) So there it is. My crapful rant. Such a mix of enjoyable moments (which I'm sure I'll remember for a lifetime) and stress almost enough to make me pull my hair out (speaking of, I found my first gray eyebrow the other day...I have never plucked an eyebrow before, but I thought it might be a good time to start....it really hurt!) I hope this finds you well! Paul