The changes life brings...

"We are marvelously able, as humans, to assimilate this thing we call change-- on this side of heaven it is inevitable. It doesn't mean, however, that we will ever really become accustomed to it or even like it. We much prefer what we know.
The Lord has set eternity in our hearts! We are designed for a never ending, dynamic relationship with the Father-- our only true constant! It's just how we are wired." -Stephanie Bradac

The above is a quote I heard this evening from a friend of mine living in Atlanta. Funny how she's miles away, and yet shared something so profound to my current state. Let me explain:

In 2007 when I was living in England, I can vividly remember sitting in front of a computer screen in the Vineyard fair trade shop about a hundred yards from the sea. I was reading an email about a boy in my home church who had been diagnosed with cancer, and the call was going out to pray for him. As I sat reading that email, I knew that boy was in a great church family. What I did not know was how profoundly his story would impact my life.

After I returned to Oak Park in January of 2008, I began a process of returning to serving in church (which has been recorded through out this blog). Part of that journey was taking up the volunteer leadership of the Junior High ministry.

One particular Sunday morning (after I started leading the Jr. hi) I was sitting in class waiting for the students to arrive. As they trickled in and we began chatting about random things, I remember the distinct sound of foot steps hopping up the stairs, and in walked a boy with dirty blond hair and a surfer necklace with a tee shirt and shorts, and sporting a hat that I wished I could wear. He introduced himself and I thought "The boy who fought cancer while I was away!"

Alex Smiley is his name. he has a laugh that can brighten any room, and an ability to speak to just about anyone. Age boundaries do not apply to him, unlike quite a few his age. Alex became somewhat of a staple to our group. His humor, his vocabulary, even his questions about God and what it all means to follow Him were amazing to me. He even offered his talents as a bass player in the youth band toward the end of the 08-09 school year.

In the house group I attended in 2008 I had the opportunity to get to know his dad, mom, and younger siblings. During the starting process of transformation that our church is going through, his mom was in my work group. His dad plays guitar in our Sunday morning band. As you can see, I got to know Alex and his family fairly well. Erin and I were even asked to go babysit while the parents were away one evening. Alex was there to hang out with us, and we left feeling amazed at the relational ability that Alex showed.

Then in May (If I recall right) he returned to the hospital for a routine check up on the cancer. He had been healthy and fine for several months. But this time was different. The cancer wanted another battle and Alex braved the challenge. Along the way his church family stood with Alex and his family as best as they could. Countless prayers were said, and everything that could have been done this side of heaven was done.

Then on Thursday, October 15, I got the news that Alex had passed the night before. After the chemo, Alex had a very weak immune system, and contracted a virus. Alex's body just couldn't take it.

I know there are those out there who are grieving Alex's loss more than I am. But to me, Alex was a spiritual son. It's funny because people use that term sometimes when talking about youth leaders. We have "spiritual" children, and it's usually packaged in nice words and fuzzy feelings. But let me say that when your spiritual child passes, it brings a whole new dimension to youth ministry and the impact that one leader can have on a young life.

Last Friday I found myself performing a first: sharing some memories of my spiritual child at a memorial service. It was a hard night to say the least. With his mother, father, and siblings all weeping in the front row, I stood and shared how I had the amazing honor to know this boy, and how I am amazed at the things I learned from his life.

I know that Alex is 100% ok in heaven. As my friend Stephanie said, we are amazingly able to adapt to this thing called life, but for however well we adapt, it doesn't always mean we like it. I don't like losing Alex. But I also know it's not a goodbye forever. I know deep in my soul that I will see him again, and that gives me comfort. It isn't easy...there are times when I want to scream in anger, laugh with no control, and cry my eyes dry all at the same time. But underneath it all is the comfort that Alex is Ok, and we'll meet again.

May you be blessed to know someone who's laugh can brighten any room, and who's questions about life simply astound you. May you know the joy of teaching a child that they have not only the choice, but the ability to change the world with their character, words, and smile. And may you know that long before they pass on to the next life.

Till next time,
Paul

Tense, relaxed, tense, relaxed....

So it's been a while since I've posted. Let's recap what's happened this year:

Started the year dating a wonderful girl. Erin and I were engaged around the first week of February (officially, that is). I turned 29 in April and am kissing my 20's goodbye each day. I enjoyed my 20's for the most part, but I hear that 30's are the new 20's (whatever that means).

Right around March I started looking for full time work. Working for the church was great, but it was not full time and as marriage loomed on the horizon, I wanted to venture into something new. Little did I know that it would be a 6 month drought on finding work.

Near the end of June, Erin and I got married :-) We spent 10 days in St. Lucia and about 5 days in July camping in Michigan. Summers off is not a bad gig, let me tell you.

But alas, our summer fun had to come to end sooner or later. Erin started work not too long ago (end of August) and I was still searching. In June, a week before our wedding I took a test to be state certified as a Paraprofessional (a teaching assistant is the job I was shooting for).

So as Erin started work, I was looking at just about any suburban school district that would take a "green" teacher's assistant. Little did I know that something was stirring in a bit of a familiar location.

I've been to Erin's school a few times to see her class (special education, really great kids). Just a few days ago, the other special ed class at Erin's school called us to say they need a male teacher assistant to come help the class. I didn't think too long on whether or not to take the job :-)

I started today. A full day in the class assisting the teacher, checking the work, and relating to young children with special needs. It was even picture day at school, so I got to take one of the children to get his picture taken. The young lady who took his picture was so patient with him. I don't know how, but she knew the exact moment to snap his big grin and great pose.

But all this is really interesting for me. Let me explain:

I was home schooled. I don't mean a year or two here or there, it was all the way through. I sat at home in Elementary school and high school. I didn't really set foot into a classroom until I was 21

So for me this is almost all new. And it hit me this evening. I've been a bit insecure about the job. Can I learn it? am I going to be what the class needs? But really, I'm insecure because on some level, I feel like I'm learning it all for the first time. That's crazy for me. a 29 year old elementary kid? wow.

All in all, I am confident that it's going to work out. I am excited because Erin and I get to eat lunch together. We get the same holidays off. We get to go to work together and come home at the same time (most days that is).

I am happy that tomorrow is Friday, because then I get two days away from the class to let what I'm learning settle in. We'll see how it goes, but like I said, I'm confident it will work out. It's a great school, a really good district, and Erin and I are on the same schedule. I really can't complain at this rate.

Till next time,
~Paul

Spending my inheritance...

So over the last few months, I've heard this said:

There are three levels of life that we can experience. The first is the aspect of the curse (at the fall of man in Genesis). Living under the curse can be described as, no matter what you do, you can never seem to get it quite right. The next stage is the concept of sowing and reaping, or what goes around comes around. It's the idea that you get what you worked for. But the third stage is what really has caught my attention. It's the idea of inheritance, where someone else did the work, but you get the benefits.

I took this before God in prayer and started asking for my inheritance. At first glance it may seem like the Prodigal son asking for his inheritance and then running off and wasting it only to return to his family in a very depressed state.

But what I'm talking about is my spiritual inheritance in Jesus. When Jesus died, rose again and ascended into heaven, he did the work for me that I could never do. And then he commands us to go and do the things he did: healing the sick, cleansing the leper, driving out demons, binding up the broken hearted and yes, even raising the dead.

So this idea of my inheritance in Christ has been burning in me for a while. It's like it's been in a cocoon stage inside of me, morphing me from a caterpillar into a butterfly. If you've read this blog over the last 18 months, you can almost see the morphing going on. And now, dare I say it, it's bursting forth.

This past Wednesday to Saturday I was in Redding California at a prophetic conference with two others from my church. I must say, I thought at times that the conference was good at best. We were in the overflow room, which was nice, but when it came to prayer times we felt it was hard to be a part of what was happening one room away. We did get some prayer, and God showed up in some cool ways (a friend of mine broke her wrist a few years ago, and we prayed for the bones to be fully re-aligned, and they were!) so it was not a fruitless adventure at all. But my prayer through out the event was "God, I want to look back years from now, and see that after this conference, something radically shifted in our relationship." God heard me, I'm sure.

This past Sunday at church, I had a word about people feeling that some areas of their life are in death. Financial, emotional, even areas physically. I sensed that God was wanting to bring life when the verse came to mind that Jesus said "I have come so that you may have life, and life to the full." After second service, Ian got up and shared the word, and that if anyone wanted to hear from God, they should grab Dan or me because we've been to a prophetic conference. As I stood at the front of the sanctuary, I looked behind me and there was a line of about eight people waiting to talk to me. I thought "Lord Jesus, you gotta be with me, cause I can't do what you can." With that, I started to pray for people, and here's a rundown of some things that happened:

A friend of mine was in tears as God was restoring joy to her. God was saying that he saw every tear she shed, and that He was moving to bring the joy back to her life.

Another woman came for prayer and I asked her if she needed anything specific. She said no, so we prayed for God's blessing and inheritance over her life. As I was praying, I felt that God might be saying something about her heart, but not her physical heart. After asking if she had a broken heart she and the translator both were shocked. She did indeed have a broken heart, and God wanted to heal that. After prayers of healing and forgiveness she walked away with a huge smile on her face and new found freedom.

I had the opportunity to pray for two married couples. Both of those times were filled with encouragement, and I felt honored to be used by God to bless them and confirm some things that God was stirring in them.

But the most profound event was praying for a Spanish speaking woman. I asked her if there was anything specific she wanted prayer for, and she said she was hoping I could interpret some pictures that God had given her. The first one was of a flower blooming into life, The second was a volcano erupting and the last one I really didn't know how to describe it, so I set it aside in the faith that God would reveal it to her.

I thought that the first two sounded like they had to do with the life cycle. But more specifically, that God was wanting to bring in new life to some area over her life. We started praying about new life, and I got a weird sensation in my stomach. I asked if she had anything going on in her stomach or near there, and she said she had a tumor there and that it was cancerous. Over this past weekend, one of the speakers said that cancer is an inferior name to Jesus. So with that in mind, I started praying over the tumor and commanding it to go in Jesus name. The woman looked shocked, and started saying "it feels soft, it feels soft" after praying about three times over the tumor and the cancer, she said she felt no pain, and that it felt better than ever before. She also asked the translator and me if there was a man who was praying for her at any time, because she felt someone come up to her and lay hands on her back and pray "more Lord, more Lord" I told her that was God. I believe that God healed her then and there, but obviously I'm not a doctor. I asked her if she could go see the doctor this week and get it confirmed that the tumor is gone. I haven't heard from her yet, but I hope to see her again on Sunday :-)

God is amazing. And while I sit and type, I can say that not everything is sorted out in my life, but God is stirring up this inheritance that has been on my heart for years to see, and I believe it's not going to stop any time soon. I believe we're even going to see dead people coming back to life. It's a bold vision, but I believe that God is calling His people to be the hands and feet of Jesus, and as we go He is with us and we'll see that nothing is impossible with God.

Till next time,
~Paul

These moments that are fleeting...

So early this week I had this revelation: i am a finite being. i'm not going to last forever in this body. Now, this may seem obvious to you my readers. You may be saying "of course, we all are made that way." But this was a different level of revelation. This skin that covers me, this heart that beats with life inside my chest, and all the billions of thoughts that whirl through my head are not going to last forever,and one day this body will give out and I will breath my last and go on to eternity.

Since 2004 when I felt the tug of "pastoral" ministry on my heart, I knew that a day would come like no other. A day when I would have the honor and the privilege of standing in a hospital room near the bedside of a hurting or possibly dying human. I knew that it wasn't just a possibility, I knew in my heart that one day I would be asked to go pray and encourage the sick and dying. I had thought it would be an encouraging event...I looked at the "positive" sides of what it would be like.

When I arrived at the church office to check in with them about what I need to do while they are away to a conference, I heard that another Vineyard in the area had contacted us to see if we could send someone to Loyola hospital to pray and encourage a man who was sick and possibly on his way out.

This week, our pastoral staff and our office staff are away, so the email went out to our intercessors to see if anyone could go and be a kingdom ambassador for this man.

The situation was this: a 24 year old male, with a 6 month old boy, and a fiancee was in the intensive care unit with a bacterial infection on his aorta, and it had reached a life threatening level. The doctors aren't sure if he's going to make it.

And as I read that email, I felt a slight tug on my spirit to go. Suddenly that day that I thought would come was here...funny how moments that play out so well in our minds can be so different when they actually come about.

I was thankful to not go alone. An old friend of my family who attends my church here in Oak Park called to say he heard about the situation and he wanted to join. So with that, we drove over to Loyola to play our part in a intervention of God's goodness.

As we drove, the sobering thoughts of the situation settled in. We prayed that God would go before us, and guide our prayers. The thought began to dawn on me that we can't do this in ourselves. While I had thought that when this day came, that I would be able to give some encouraging pep talk, or some "christian-ese" language to help brighten the situation, the reality was that as I began to think about it and what I might say to his fiancee or his parents, the words seemed inadequate as they rolled through my mind.

Walking through the halls of the hospital was even more sobering. I had never been to Loyola before today, and I was very surprised at how clean it is, and how well managed it seems to be. We found our way up to the intensive care unit, and met the young man, lying alone in his room, watching the television.

At 24 years old, he was probably one of the most pale (if not the most pale) person I have ever seen. I couldn't help but think that this guy shouldn't be here. Of all the places for a guy his age to be, this was not anywhere close.

As we prayed, we asked for God's goodness and his healing. I knew in that moment that a miracle was possible, but it wasn't going to come from me. We needed God in that room. And as we prayed, I believe this man had an encounter with God. I had the impression of the word "freedom" as we were praying, and afterwards the sick man shared that it was drug use that landed him there, potentially at death's door.

He began to tear up when he shared how he had realized that the next time he uses drugs may literally be his last, and he doesn't want to miss out on the life of his son and his fiancee. I told him that I got the word "freedom" and that I wanted to pray for that. We prayed again before the nurse came in to run some tests. We left him with a contact card in case he wanted us to come pray for him again, and said farewell.

Walking back out to the car, I couldn't help to think about what that must be like for him, and the impact it must be having on his whole family. Life is finite, indeed, and while this young man knew it was his choices that landed him there, I also know that no one knows when their time will come. Life is full of fleeting moments, and all we can do is take advantage of the time we do have and be thankful for it. I for one am thankful and honored that I could have some small role in bringing God into this sad situation for another human being.

Till next time,
~Paul

Major tranisitons...

So this past Autumn, life got interesting. After jumping into the relationship with Erin, I found myself re-thinking about what it means to be in a relationship, and more importantly all the things that God is calling me out on.

The whole story of how Erin and I started dating can be summed up in this: I wasn't romantically attracted, but then God happened. And when God happens, it's hard to ignore...

While there was no burning bush, parting of the sea, or any other physical trace of God moving, I was sure that God was on the move. I think more often than not, God is moving behind the scenes, and we only notice it's Him because it's that thing, that *IMPOSSIBLE* thing, that suddenly IS possible, and it's staring us right in the face.

If you had told me back in July, that I would be dating Erin, I would have had a lot to say about it, and not even a hint of what I would say would give any trace that I thought it was possible. In fact, by late August, I was done with dating. I didn't want to think about it. I actually loathed the thought of going through the motions of having to "prove" myself to another girl. I thought for the longest time that I would have to prove something to "her" (either with money, or feelings, or my intellect for example). But then God happened. All summer long, a relationship was developing, and I had no idea until that day in early October that God had been working all along behind the scenes.

And then six weeks in to dating, I realized that I really get along with Erin. For lack of a better word we have fun. What I mean by that is that in every level of conversation we have, I see life blooming. Even in some of our moments of disagreements, there has been that feeling of life blooming. That to me is fun. The thought of spending the rest of my life with her is fun. I want our future to be enjoyable, and with God in the mix, I believe it will truly be an adventure.

So that realization brought on another transition: why not probe the idea of spending the rest of our lives together? As we talked it over, we came to see that we're probably as ready as we're going to be to get married. It's exciting to me because we aren't in our early 20's with the questions looming large of what we want to do with the rest of our lives, or wrestling with college debt, or considering how we're going to live out the rest of our days. We both feel that marriage is a journey that we want to embark on together, and that leaves me totally amazed. God has truly done a marvelous work behind the scenes and I for one, am very thrilled to watch it start to unfold here and now.

I recently came to the end of my (paid) role at church. I knew all along it would be temporary, and while there is part of me that looks out to the road ahead with some uncertainty, I believe that God still has a plan. Waiting with baited breath for the next stage to unfold isn't fun. The stress is disheartening at times, to be totally honest. But then there are moments where I realize that I am not alone. God has put wonderful friends around me who are praying for me, and I am confident that God knows what he's doing, even when I struggle to understand, or keep my faith.

Hopefully the next day or two will tell what I need to be doing to prepare for the next part of this journey. I wonder what I'll say in 6 months when I look back at this entry?

Till next time,
~Paul

Catching up...or trying to

So a LOT has happened since my last post. And I wish I had actually posted as it was happening, but alas, life has gotten away from me once again...

Christmas time is at hand, and what can I say?? I am still totally amazed at God. It was about a year ago that I took that last flight home from England. I was so sad a quite a wreck.

But now after a year of re-learning some my values (God, friendship, trust, community and ministry) I can honestly say that I am excited about life, and the future that lies before me.

Back in May I attended a youth retreat with the 10 and 11 year olds from our church. The retreat was a blast, but more than that, little did i know that one of the other leaders would become such a joy in my life.

Since May, she has become a friend, a wonderful partner in youth ministry on Tuesday nights, and a joy beyond description in my life. She has laughed with me, challenged me to grow, and encouraged me, and I have come to do the same for her.

I can't tell you how awesome it is, learning to communicate with someone. Honesty and speaking what's on my mind has been something i thought I was used to. But this is a whole new level.

Not only have I come into a volunteer leadership role with my church, I am now walking in a whole new level of relationship and dare I say it-at a place that I have never walked before. And God has had His hand all over this. When I first met her, i wasn't romantically attracted. I knew her brother kind of well, and over the years I knew her parents in a peripheral sense at church, but I never really got to know her until this year, and for the summer and all the times we spent with working on the video announcements at church and hanging out with mutual friends, i was never attracted at a romantic level.

But then something changed. God stepped in and spoke. And as He spoke, I felt that the curtain on our friendship had been pulled back to reveal what was in the making behind the scenes. I saw how she felt, and what God was asking me to consider. And in that moment, I was speechless. I spent the entire summer around her, feeling 100% comfortable in my own skin, and every time we spent around each other, I had a real laugh. That was part of the healing for me...just to have a friend who I was not romantically interested in and felt the freedom to laugh around and be ME was huge.

In other news, we had an awesome junior high retreat near the end of November. We had about 12 young people come along to a camp in Wisconsin (about 2 hours away from Chicago) and we had a really good time of meeting with God and building relationships. I am very excited at what God is going to do in the second half of the year. We have a really wonderful group of young people, and they have not only so much potential for leadership tomorrow, they are setting examples for the rest of us today.

In short, I am re-discovering a passion for God and His plans for my life. At the end of December i will be ending my role as part time office assistant at Vineyard Oak Park. I have a few leads on jobs, but I really want God to open the next step. We'll see where that is. Please keep praying for me :-)

Till next time,
~Paul

Summer heat, Engram, and good times...

Can I just start by saying how cool God is? Since last summer, I've really become a fan of Psalm 139. I love the New Living Translation:

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

and skip on down to verse 23...

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

I read this, and I can't help but think that God knows me better than I know myself. That translates into that God knows exactly what I need to get through any issue facing me. This revelation has been a HUGE comfort to me at times over the last 8 months since my return from England.

This summer has gone really well overall. When I sit and think about the different place I was at this same time last year, I'm totally amazed.

I've been blown away by God's goodness. when my old cell phone was falling apart, God opened a door for me to get a new one. I've been mobile with a car, I have wonderful housemates, and cool place to call home. I've had no major worries this year, and the restoration work by God in my life leaves me speechless at times.

This past week I took part in Engram, our yearly youth project here at our church. One of the major ways that God used me was at the Friday night session. I was asked to join a team of people who would share words of knowledge with the youth. I asked God what he wanted me to pray for and one word came to mind: suicide. It brought tears to my eyes to think of what it must be like at 15 or 16 and really feel that the best option is ending it all. I felt that last year, and that's a point I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Between Friday night and Saturday I prayed for 3 different people over that issue. Hearing their stories and the hurts that led them to feel that way about themselves was staggering, and yet in the midst of it I was amazed that God used me to bring some hope and healing to His children.

During the week of Engram, I almost r an myself ragged between giving oversight to the outreaches and being trained in the office to cover key areas while one of my co-workers is away to Mozambique for 3 months. The upshot though is that I'm now a full time employee of Vineyard Oak Park! Haha, it's better than being an intern!

I can't believe that summer is almost over! Starting in September, I'll be leading the Jr. hi program at church! I'm really excited to be doing this. I've really enjoyed the small roles I've played in various youth projects since I've been back (Toronto, Engram, Vacation Bible School) but coming in to the new role as a leader really excites me overall (haha, it is YOUTH MINISTRY after all, so there are SURE to be some tough challenges ahead!).

Anyway, I think that's enough of a rambling update for now.
Till next time!
~Paul