So...a lot has happened since I last posted, and I mean a LOT.
in a bit of a socially active room at the moment, but I'm going to attempt to fill in the blanks of the last week since I left Chicago (sigh...again) and arrived back here.
It was a great time with my folks, and Christmas day I was a bit...emotional to say the least. I couldn't figure it out, but it was really nice to be with my family (even though Aaron didn't come in the end). After home I went back to Chicago for another 9 days and had a good time seeing people. I really miss everyone. Dan and I had a GREAT chance to get caught up on life and I realized how much I took for granted all my time at Oak Park.
I will warn you now:-) that I'm going to do a bit of soul bearing, so if emotionally charged blogs isn't your thing than maybe this is one to skip...
It's amazing how easy it is to take for granted friends and co-workers. I knew when I started the internship that it would be short term and there were times where I couldn't wait for it to be over. There were days when I was so mad at the ammount of work I had to do, and I didn't realize how much growing was happening. And having amazing people around (Dan, Ian, Jen and Fifer to name a few who I saw almost every day for those two years) and people who stood with me in prayer and so much more from church...it was amazing and I miss it.
So my last night in town I was up packing at 11:30 and I thought to call my dad (we hadn't REALLY talked when I was there and I think we both wanted at least one really good quality conversation before I left). I called Dad and it hit me almost as soon as I heard his voice on the other end: I want to go home.
in 2003 I lost home. My parents moved to Arizona, I was out on my own and I knew deep inside that I would never be able to really go home. I made a secondary home of sorts at vineyard oak park, but now here I was home temporaraly and set to go back to the UK in the next 24 hours...and life felt like it would never be the same. It really hit me there talking to my dad about how much I want to belong someplace. any place where I can be myself and have people who know me and who don't tell me what I want to hear. Where I can cry and not feel I'm surrounded by strangers...I sat there talking to my dad and said "I feel like the last dregs of home are draining away and part of me wants to hold on with everything I have" and yet even with the tears streaming down my face I knew there was nothing I could do to stop the flow of time.
Dad knew how I felt and he said "I remember taking you with me to work when you were three years old. As I watch you now moving out into the world, I realize that I can't protect you anymore" as I heard the words through his teary voice I knew it was a caring father who always wanted the best for his boys and now they are all grown up. What he said next really impacted me for the journey ahead: "I want you to know that I support you in the face of the challenges and I'm cheering you on every step of the way". I knew then why I felt so emotionally charged at home. Because I wanted to be there and hang on to every last bit and memory of home.
The next day was church and I had the priveledge of playing drums. I enjoyed it much and after the 2nd service people gave their applause in thanks for being there. I talked to Ian about the subject of home and he told me everything would be ok, and that I just need to give it 5 years and then I'll be in the groove:-) that's encouraging. It was hard saying goodbye again and not knowing when I'll be back around. My visa is for one year (with an optional 1 year extension) so for at least the next year this is home. I've spent the week trying to get over jet lag (waking at 4 in the morning is hard...it's a very lonely time and it's really the only time when I look at my watch and wonder what all my friends are doing back in Chicago).
Aside from the jet lag, it's been ok so far. The jet lag has had a domino effect with feeling ready to tackle the position here. I've been trying not to worry about little things and keep my focus on God and so far I've been pleasntly surprised by how famillair things seem here (part of me that was totally worried about getting along with people before has gone and I try to just be me (I'd rather people like me for me anyway!). I've gotten along with people who I wasn't so sure about before, so that's a good thing.
I realized on the plane here that I can't do this on my own. I was praying about it and felt God say "you're right, you can't". I guess the truth is that God may be using me and working through me, but it's not about me. God has a plan here and I want to stay focused on him and that's hard to do when I'm working on so much...friendships, work, and making this place my home. The times I get worried are when I lose that focus and start to worry about me or how I'm going to get on with my life here. It is different though this time around cause I know more of what it's going to take and I've got some good foundations here already.
I've had a good weekend and there is so much more I want to say about all that I've been thinking, but I guess this will do for now. I'm thankful that my surroundings don't feel so foreign, and I don't feel like such a tourist. Prayers are still needed, and I do miss home. The upside is that I made it three months here and if I can do three, I can do six, and if I can do six...well so on and so forth.
ok I think I'm done for now. thanks for your prayers and friendships! miss you all!
Paul
